(Disclaimer:  I called this “My Story” because this post contains my thoughts and story.  Obviously, the experience and pain was shared by Marla, our family, and our friends.)

Sometimes things happen that are hard to understand. We already had 1 ½ year old Rebecca when Marla came to me with the news. “I’m pregnant,” she said with a huge smile on her face. We were excited, to say the least.

It was hard to hold in the excitement. As Student Pastor at our church, our entire church was soon buzzing about the news. I think I was still smiling from ear to ear two weeks later when I got the horrible phone call from Marla. “I’m bleeding,” she said through the tears. Doctors confirmed that she had miscarried our second child.

As a pastor, I was the one that usually had answers for people. This time I felt hollow.  I had questions and thoughts that didn’t make sense:

• “Why would this happen to us? We’ve given everything to You, Lord. Why us?”
• “Lot’s of babies were aborted everyday. We really wanted this baby.”
• “How do I now go back and tell everyone what has happened and protect Your reputation as a pastor, God? You let us down.”
• “Is there something that I did that caused you to take Your hand off of my family?”
• “Maybe I didn’t pray enough for Marla and the baby. It’s all my fault.”

Well meaning people came to me with “pat” answers to questions that I didn’t ask them. They said:

• “Maybe there was something wrong with the baby…”

I Thought: Well, if there was something wrong with the baby, God is God and couldn’t he just fix that?

• “God needed another angel in heaven.”
I Thought: Babies don’t become angels. That doesn’t make any sense.

• “It was just God’s will…”
I thought: My God wouldn’t play with my life like that. He wants the best for me.

• “You can try again.”
I thought: It’s not like I can just get another puppy but thanks for your permission.

To say that it was a confusing time for someone who was supposed to have the answers was an understatement. I was hurt, mad, confused, and wondering if this God that I had devoted my entire life to even cared about Marla and I at all.  It shouldn’t be about “luck.”  God should take the “luck” out of all of this.

Out of all of the above thoughts that I had, the one that was wringing in my ear the most was this one: I didn’t pray enough for Marla and the baby and that’s why this has happened. I felt like it was my fault.

As the pastor, I knew that I would dispel those thoughts in someone that walked into my office feeling they way I was feeling. I knew what I would say to others but it just wasn’t working for me.

After a sleepless night, I got up and went to a Bible Study that some guys at the gym had every Wednesday. I had never gone but I decided that since I was up all night, a 6:00 a.m. Bible study couldn’t hurt anything.

After being welcomed by the guys who had been inviting me, I sat down and didn’t tell them anything about what I was thinking or what had happened.

The study that day was on John 9. That’s the passage where Jesus was asked, ““Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus responded, “Neither this man or his parents, but this happened so that God would be glorified.”

I couldn’t believe that was the subject. God was speaking right to my heart from these muscle headed guys in the gym. I didn’t really get a lot of answers that morning but I did get one thing that I’ve remembered ever since.

God loves me. As I was wondering where God was in this nightmare, He reached out to me. He loved me enough to tell me through these guys who didn’t even know why they were leading the study on John 9. God reached down, put His arms around me, and said, “It’s not your fault. I love you. Trust me.”

When have you wondered if God really loved you? How has He shown you that He does love you?

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