Where is God in Miscarriage? My Story

November 15, 2011

(Disclaimer:  I called this “My Story” because this post contains my thoughts and story.  Obviously, the experience and pain was shared by Marla, our family, and our friends.)

Sometimes things happen that are hard to understand. We already had 1 ½ year old Rebecca when Marla came to me with the news. “I’m pregnant,” she said with a huge smile on her face. We were excited, to say the least.

It was hard to hold in the excitement. As Student Pastor at our church, our entire church was soon buzzing about the news. I think I was still smiling from ear to ear two weeks later when I got the horrible phone call from Marla. “I’m bleeding,” she said through the tears. Doctors confirmed that she had miscarried our second child.

As a pastor, I was the one that usually had answers for people. This time I felt hollow.  I had questions and thoughts that didn’t make sense:

• “Why would this happen to us? We’ve given everything to You, Lord. Why us?”
• “Lot’s of babies were aborted everyday. We really wanted this baby.”
• “How do I now go back and tell everyone what has happened and protect Your reputation as a pastor, God? You let us down.”
• “Is there something that I did that caused you to take Your hand off of my family?”
• “Maybe I didn’t pray enough for Marla and the baby. It’s all my fault.”

Well meaning people came to me with “pat” answers to questions that I didn’t ask them. They said:

• “Maybe there was something wrong with the baby…”

I Thought: Well, if there was something wrong with the baby, God is God and couldn’t he just fix that?

• “God needed another angel in heaven.”
I Thought: Babies don’t become angels. That doesn’t make any sense.

• “It was just God’s will…”
I thought: My God wouldn’t play with my life like that. He wants the best for me.

• “You can try again.”
I thought: It’s not like I can just get another puppy but thanks for your permission.

To say that it was a confusing time for someone who was supposed to have the answers was an understatement. I was hurt, mad, confused, and wondering if this God that I had devoted my entire life to even cared about Marla and I at all.  It shouldn’t be about “luck.”  God should take the “luck” out of all of this.

Out of all of the above thoughts that I had, the one that was wringing in my ear the most was this one: I didn’t pray enough for Marla and the baby and that’s why this has happened. I felt like it was my fault.

As the pastor, I knew that I would dispel those thoughts in someone that walked into my office feeling they way I was feeling. I knew what I would say to others but it just wasn’t working for me.

After a sleepless night, I got up and went to a Bible Study that some guys at the gym had every Wednesday. I had never gone but I decided that since I was up all night, a 6:00 a.m. Bible study couldn’t hurt anything.

After being welcomed by the guys who had been inviting me, I sat down and didn’t tell them anything about what I was thinking or what had happened.

The study that day was on John 9. That’s the passage where Jesus was asked, ““Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus responded, “Neither this man or his parents, but this happened so that God would be glorified.”

I couldn’t believe that was the subject. God was speaking right to my heart from these muscle headed guys in the gym. I didn’t really get a lot of answers that morning but I did get one thing that I’ve remembered ever since.

God loves me. As I was wondering where God was in this nightmare, He reached out to me. He loved me enough to tell me through these guys who didn’t even know why they were leading the study on John 9. God reached down, put His arms around me, and said, “It’s not your fault. I love you. Trust me.”

When have you wondered if God really loved you? How has He shown you that He does love you?

4 Responses to “Where is God in Miscarriage? My Story”

  1. rainemrh said

    It gives me some reassurance to know that I am not the only one who questions God. That even those He calls to spread His word still have questions like I do. I am so sorry you and your family have had to go through this. I have had these questions and many more too. My time was when my husband and I sat in my GYN’s office and she told me I had an ectopic pregnancy. We were pregnant!! We didn’t know! What does ectopic mean? It meant our baby was growing inrights wrong place. She gave me three choices. Have surgery to remove Fallopian tube, ovary and the egg that was fertilized, which would immediately cut all future chances of children in half. Take a few rounds of a cancer drug that in her exact words would “terminate the pregnancy” or continue to let it grow in the tube, when the tube ruptured the pregnancy would terminate and I would bleed to death, literally. Then she left the room. Terminate the pregnancy? This meant I was solely responsible for ending a life. I’m crying as I type this because I feel from the moment of conception a life exists. A baby is being knit in it’s mothers womb. This one just started growing in the wrong spot, not a womb but a tube. How could God make me make a decision like this? I wanted to live but how could I choose to end a life in order to do so? My pregnancy was approximately 2 months in. We both made the same decision within moments. To take the medicine. To voluntarily take a medicine that I knew without a doubt would kill my baby tore me apart. I felt like out of all my sins I now had to add murderer to the list. I remember the needle they administered the medicine with. The burn of the medicine in my muscle. I was told to go home and relax. Relax? Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. It hurt on so many levels I can’t describe. I was hurt emotionally, physically, spiritually. I then questioned my purpose in life. If God wants me alive what am I supposed to do with it? Sometimes I still have that question. That was over three years ago. Now we have a healthy baby boy who is 9 months old and I cherish him and appreciate him all the more knowing how fragile life is. I know God helped us make that decision. I know He has a plan for us but when you’re in the moment of negativity at least for me, He is the first one I question.

    • eddiepoole said

      Your story breaks my heart. I’m really sorry that you’ve had an experience like you have. That’s the reason that I wanted to share my experience….so that others will realize that it’s ok to feel hurt and not feel guilty about feeling that way.

      I believe that God is big enough for our questions, hurt, and honesty. He has big shoulders and even though I don’t understand what He does or allows sometime, I have learned that I just have to trust him in the storm. In fact, it was dealing with the miscarriages that I learned to trust when I don’t know what else to do.

      Congrats on your baby boy. I’m sure he is awesome! Our youngest is 2 now. Oldest is 19. We have 5 children now and the age span is pretty wide! LOL God also has a sense of humor. The 2 year old was a total surprise and we consider him a miracle. Pretty crazy!

      Thanks for sharing your story. Keep seeking and trusting, even when it’s hard.

  2. Susan Watts said

    Eddie, what a blessing…God has spoken to me too through this verse and your words….thank you for sharing!

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